"I miss you but not as much as I miss the skin on my hand"

I tried to call last night, 5 or 6 times but I kept getting the Uganda phone lady telling me that "all circuits are busy" I drank way too much last night and I don't even know why. It was not a good idea, but people handed me tequila shots and I took them. It was cool to run into the engineers but they didn't make me drink. I think I just didn't want to think. I'm glad I could go back to Gabi's party and chill with my friends for a while cause I needed to be around people who were cool with me. The walk home was scary cause its so far and so sketchy and everything was wobbly.

This morning I came back from brunch with sarah to find a e mail saying "if you get this in the next 2 hours, call me" I had tried once already that morning but when I tried now it worked. It was so hard to hear him though and I felt bad cause I kept having to ask him to repeat himself or asked him questions that I know he had just answered. His hand is hurt cause he crashed his bike for the second time but I couldn't understand how bad. His perminant placement is going to be 2 hours from anything resembling a town and he finishes training in 3 weeks. I'll have to make sure I call him to congratulate him. I'm going to call him Friday at midnight at the end of the year party and he's going to try to be someplace with better service.

I don't know. This whole moving on process seems to be so sporatic. I'll be fine for weeks, not thinking about it, flirting with other people, laughing at my own silliness. But then something will happen to make me feel like i did the first week after he left. I'm trying to be careful cause sometimes when you can idealize something or someone when they're not there. I don't want to idealize him or stay stuck. I don't know if it would make it better or worse if he missed me. Better cause then at least I would know I wasn't the only one having a hard time. Worse because it wouldn't change anything. I'm sure he's got too much adjusting to do to think about it, some place new with a constant set of new challenges.

When I was travelling, I was homesick a lot of the time, mostly it was exhousting never being able to relax or be able to count on anyone. In a strange country speaking a foreign language without the cultural benchmarks you're used to; it was so tiring to never be understood, to always have to worry about my next move knowing that if I made a mistake, I had no where to turn. But at the same time everything was exciting and new, and there was so much else to think about besides home and the people I hadn't seen for months.

So I don't know what he's going through. Probably some combination. I just know that phones are a mixed blessing.

school blues

There are times in college when I've really been interested in my work. When I've gotten a real kick out of editing a paper well or a sense of satisfaction from finishing a problem set. That's one of the reasons why I'm a good student, cause I like the feeling of getting absorbed in an assignment and watching it come together. This semester though, that feeling has been so elusive. I have 13 pages to writing that needs to turn into 20. Which is totally possible, once I structure it and add the sources I need, it'll be 20 and halfway decent.

But I just don't want to. I want to leave it and go down to the village and walk around or spend time with my friends or play soccer in the park or find a place to live over the summer which I still haven't done. And I know that if I don't get this done I can't go to Floralia or Gabi's party tonight and I can't see Sarah tommorrow. But its so hard to just sit down and do it. On top of that, my body just noticed that I hadn't been sleeping enough and seems to want to catch up immeadiatly. So I slept in way too late.

Last year at this time I was doing my best to help Stoops procrastinate on all his work. This semester its just me and that feeling in my stumach that means I want to be somewhere else. Everyone's transitioning except me.

And I'm not going to do well this semester which makes it even harder to finish the year cause I know I'm way below my standards. My mom was making me feel better about that, "well you know, when we were in college, your father and I barely got a 4.0. Combined. And we're doing just fine. And Russell Sage is not even close to Columbia. All these boomers looking at your resume should remember that they spent their college years stoned at state schools." She does have a point, I guess I'm just way to competative to let it go at that. I want to be at the top of everything and I want to do the best work I can, and I know I'm smarter than this.

good and bad

Well I handed in two labs and I'm almost done with my manufacturing paper. Still a lot left to be done but it'll work out. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping which might actually be increasing my productivity. Cause its not just trouble falling asleep at night, its waking up early in the morning too. So I've gone running around 7 for the past few days just cause I might as well.

No matter how much I need to do, I'm definetely scrimmaging tonight and I need to go to Plimpton and hang out with people. Another three weeks and I won't be able to. Ever. Again. And I really want to scrimmage. The other day I ended up in a pick up basketball game and it was so fun even though I can't shoot worth crap anymore. I just need to play games on a regular basis; it doesn't even matter what sport.

Saw The Importance of Being Earnest last night which is such a funny play. And we had these weird seats that were on the front of the stage on these cushions with backs that were on the floor. It's hard to explain but they were by far the best seats in the hours. And I ran into Sarah Krasnow who I haven't seen since probably the summer after I graduated. She lives up on 215th. I had no idea she was even in the city. It was cool to hear that people are doing well, and she's one of the people its nice to run into, not awkward.

Those are the good things in my life. The bad things are:
Due Monday
- 20 page senior thesis paper
- Computer Graphics take home final
- Heat transfer 1.5 problem set
Due next Friday
- Comp. Graphics final project
- Comp. Graphics homework
- Lab report
- 3 regular finals

Rone (with an accent on the e)

So I hung out with my sister yesterday which I really didn't have time for, but it was fun. We went down to 50th to go to a Japanese bookstore and then chilled in Barnes and Nobles for a while reading and hanging out. She got suspended from school yesterday for getting into a fight with some kid. All she would tell me is that he was calling her names, so she called him a name, so he hit her, so she hit him. I couldn't get her to tell me what names they were calling each other or whether the boy got in trouble too. It's such a strange thing for me to understand because she's so shy, quiet, smart, artistic, really into manga, easily offended by swearing in books or on TV. And yet I'm sure she decked this kid. I'm also sure he deserved it which makes things complicated. Cause I want to teach her that there are alternatives to fighting, and that no good can come of it. But realistically, if you go to middle school in the Bronx, you have to be able to stand up for yourself somehow, and she's never going to be a fast talker or the kind of kid who can laugh off insults. Sometimes I try to talk to her about well what would you do if he came up to you again, is there something you could do besides fighting? But at the same time, I don't want her to be a push over for the other kids to beat on. Even more complicated cause in a year or so, she's going to be hot. She's at that 12 year old stage now, but I can see it, and I'm worried about her. I mean, her grandmother is only 50 which says something about the pattern in her family. Stay in school and don't get pregnant. is that so much to ask?

This weekend was a nice recovery. I handed in my car jack Friday and took the rest of the day off. No it didn't work. No I don't care. I still have time to fix it. Out Friday night with the girls and Sam at Tap a Keg where the few other people there were old.

Actually Saturday was a good day. I had told Elizabeth I'd go shopping with her which at the time I only half meant but we did even though I should have been doing work and it was fun. She shops like I do which meant it took us about 5 seconds in each store to decide that there was nothing we wanted. Except for H&M. We spent a long time in there cause everything is cheap and their skirts all fit me well. I had to stop myself from buying all of them. Maybe I should have bought all of them; I probably won't go shopping again for another few months.

Ben's party was ok. I don't know. I guess I wasn't feeling that alcoholic. I kept thinking that there should be more fun thing to do for your birthday celebration than try to have 24 drinks in way to short a period of time. I am looking forward to the end of the year party though. Cause if I can survive through Monday, I'll deserve to celebrate.

I have a ton of stuff due this coming week- a lab report, a paper, a large problem set, a report/design and even more stuff due the Monday after so I tried to get started. I got quite a bit done but not enough and now I have to go see Rone. I always have a good time when I'm with my little sister but its such a time committment. I kind of wish I didn't have to go up to the Bronx today, cause its like 6 hours of my life that I don't think I can spare this week. Oh well, everything will get done somehow.

patterns

I was just thinking about how many different ways people find to be sexual. Even just amung my close friends there's a huge variety of what people do with who (with whom). Some of them kiss lots of people but go no further, some date like its their job, a few are really good at picking up strangers from bars. None of that seems to be me. I was thinking about it and I realized that I can count the guys I've kissed since I got to college on one hand. And all of them I had been friends with for anywhere from 3 months to 7 years. Well except for one, but freshman year doesn't count. That pattern has worked pretty well for me so far, but i guess that's not how everyone does it. I might have to learn new ways.

dork off

I don't know if I officially won the dork off last night at 1020. There was some tough competition from the social reform and astrophysics contingent. I do know that I have been working on the car jack to the point where I wake up thinking "oh I bet I could put the lead screw there. Would that work?"

I also woke up....correction, was woken up...at 6:30 this morning by the crazy guy who lives in the building right next to mine, like three windows over and one floor down. He sticks his head out and yells things into the courtyard on a pretty regular basis. Mostly its phrases that I can't understand that sound like gibberish that he'll say over and over for an hour or so. This morning it was counting. He counted to 100 at least 10 times if not more. So I got out of bed and studied for manufacturing; my beds right next to the window so I couldn't exactly sleep.

There are just so many things that need to happen before the end of the year. I haven't even started my senior seminar English paper which sucks cause i'm interested in the topic but i just don't have time to do it well. The car jack takes priority for now.

can't pay attention....

I'm actually in Computer Graphics clss right now but I can't make the assembly because i have too many parts with the same name and Pro/E keeps pulling up the wrong one. I guess i could put some of them in different folders or rename but I really don't feel like it.

Golfed last night even though I should have been working on my Pro/E project (due Friday) or my 20 page paper (due Monday, haven't started). It was fun though. About a million people there; some of them I didn't even know. 18 holes is too many though. I think 12 would have been more my speed.

It's so weird to think our season is over. I think this weekend was the most emotional tournament I've had in a while, if not the most emotional in college. I mean Saturday felt so good- we played amazing, we were undefeated, and we beat Rutgers. I've never beat Rutgers! And I made a girl cry even though she's the one who kicked me. That bitch. I kind of liked playing against her cause she was good and physical, but I kept scoring on her.

But then Sunday...losing to Vasser was tough and probably shouldn't have happened but that didn't bother me so much. Losing to Rutgers though was wrong on so many levels, between the smut that was coming out of their mouths in front of my parents, the fact that they marked me man in a zone, them hitting Val, that fucking bitch of a coach, and that we had already beat them once. Lets just say I was a little upset. And bruised. That same girl that kicked me the first day, we got into a war and ended up on the ground like every two seconds.

On the plus side, since we're not going to regionals, I might actually pass my finals. And it was nice to see my parents and Mikey, especially since they brought cookies and took me out to Easter dinner. Mikey'll be a good ultimate player when he decides that he doesn't want to high jump in college. Then the three of us can have an Ashcroft Wildwood team.

Goals for today- finish this goddamn car jack and study for my quiz tommorrow so I can at least say hi to all my friends who are celebrating finishing their thesis. I'm getting really overwhelmed by all of the end of the year stuff.

hmm

I stopped posting for a while cause i started having really mixed feelings about the whole blog idea. I mean, people don't really deserve to know that much about me, do they? I was about two seconds away from hitting the delete button on the whole thing. But I'll keep it up a little longer even if Sarah and Pod think its sketchy. After all, they're the ones who's moms live in yurts. Anyway I have a midterm tommorrow so I'm going to study now but at some point I need to write at great length about how much fun the tournament was and exactly what I would do with the entire rutgers ultimate team and their coach if I ran the world. Starting with jacking off in their eyes. Who says that?!?

I called. I know I shouldn't have but fuck. I couldn't not. Goddamn. I was so scared before, terrified. I don't know what I expected, but now i'm just drained. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

college weekend

I wonder if this was the kind of weekend other people have all the time, going out three nights in a row, waking up late every day feeling a little queezy but not too bad, doing some work before going out to do it again.

Thursday I was so antcy. I couldn't wait to get out and drink. I'm almost never like that. Usually when I go out, its either a chill night with the Barnard girls or a chill night with the frisbee team. But Thursday I just wanted out, wanted to go crazy. Which I guess I kind of did, and it was really fun to be out with all the engineering boys, especially since the men's team had sectionals and most of my Barnard friends went home kind of early. There were a million 3-2s out that night and quite a few mech. Es. Its kind of funny though, cause they're not really sure what to do with me, like "is it ok to hit on her?" Usually they just see me in class or doing problem sets or playing soccer. If they weren't all out, I wouldn't have lasted as long and its a good thing I did cause I had to be third wheel for Sarah and Rich. Also, I spent a total of $3 all night for 1.5 margaritas, .5 mudslides, 1 shot, and 3 beers. I consider that a victory.

Friday I had to spend most of the day doing a lab, and I felt like chilling so me and Sarah had ice cream and then I went home to watch Anchorman with Brian and Jake which was social in just the right way. I kind of wanted to go to bed early but Rob wanted to go out at like 12 :30 so I figured I'd keep him company and see what happened. What happened is I got through one beer, felt really sick to my stumach, and decided that I didn't really feel like being out anymore. I lasted til 2:30 and that's late enough.

Last night I went to a comedy club with Steve and a bunch of his friends. It was ok. Some of the acts were pretty funny but it was really expensive and a couple of his friends got ridiculously drunk before we even got there so they spent the show in the bathroom. Not cool. It was kind of nice to get out of Morningside Heights though even if 23rd St isn't exactly a new neighborhood for me.

Hmm I guess that was more detail then I needed but I almost never have those weekends. Usually I have tournaments or little sister or just a lot of work. Well, I do have a lot of work but I should get it done and the lab I can't really work on yet. The rest I'll finish today, shouldn't be a problem. I should probably take a run too before I go to Leora's show.

I don't think I'm depressed. I really don't. But I read somewhere a line "I have gotten used to the company of sadness." Or maybe I made it up. I don't know, but that's how I feel. I know its there behind me, waiting, but for the most part it keeps its distance. But I can feel it coming closer when I'm by myself and at night, especially at night. And I don't mind. I almost prefer it to show its face honestly instead of getting me indirectly like it does when I spend my day unfocused, unproductive, and unenthousiastic. It's hard not to be touched. "In time this too will pass." Vajda tells me we gave up to easily, we threw it away. But I make it a policy not to listen to Vajda, especially on romantic matters, and he's wrong anyway.

O Malley got a job at Microsoft. I'm so proud of him and jealous all at the same time. We've been friends so long (8 years? 9?), and for so long, he was the safe one, the one who I thought was drifting towards a house in medfield with a younger, simpler girl and a job at his father's company. Since we hit college, he's either changed a lot or I learned to appreciate him, cause I'm so impressed. Probably a little of both. So he's got an amazing job in a great city making plenty of money to enjoy it. And his girlfriend's got a Fulbright. I've never met the girl but I know I like her and I'm so glad he's with someone smart and independent. That being said, I'm crazy jealous of both of them cause they're going places and I'm here. Stuck. And drinking alone, incidently, though if Bailey's and coffee counted, I'd be officially a lush.

I throw like a girl

On the list of sports I can play credibly: frisbee, basketball, soccer, crew, track (all forms of running), rock climbing, volleyball, swimming, biking

And the ones that I can't (that I've tried): baseball, tennis (though I do have fun trying), street and field hockey, lacrosse, and now, the newest addition, dodgeball.

That's ok. I'm happy with my can-play list, and I've accepted the fact that I don't have a throwing arm and can't manage equipment (rackets, sticks, gloves, etc). I have fun anyway.

In other news, after hearing the orchestra concert, I kind of wish I had kept playing the clarinet.

In still other news, I heard the Prime Minister of Pakistan speak today. He sounded ridiculously smart, is clearly a smooth politician, and presented some really interesting views. One thing that particularly caught my attention was his view on nuclear weapons. It was basically a statement of the "mutually assured destruction" doctrine that the US used through much of the Cold War, i.e, having nukes actually keeps peace by discouraging invasions.

best idea.....or worst?

I've been brooding all day. It's exhousting. I should go to bed. or learn to spell.

That's not the best/worst idea referred to in the title. Ok, I'm seriously considering road tripping across the country. With steve. best idea? probably not. It must be the worst. I'd really wanted to road trip but if it didn't seem possible unless I wanted to keep a car in Seattle and I'm not sure I do. But he was talking about meeting up with a friend for the ride back so he would just drop me off. It's weird though. I have plenty of other people I could go on a road trip with. In fact, I practically promised Eric and Leora. But those seemed like very vague plans where as when me and steve were talking it actually sounded like it would work.

He might drive me crazy. He might bring his chess board and pick me up to leave 3 hours late cause he only started packing at the time we were going to meet (actually he'd definetely do that). On the other hand, once we were on the road, he'd be one of the more interesting people to travel with in terms of being interested in things, knowing directions and really exploring. It would probably have to be just to two of us cause we don't exactly have mutual friends (it certainly couldn't be one of my friends) which could be awkward but there would be less people to keep track of.

Best idea....or worst?