perception v reality i.e. naval gazing

I don't think of myself as a social person who needs to be around people all the time. I think of myself as an introvert who needs time by myself and independence to read and run and chill. But yesterday it occurred to me that that is not how i've been living my life, at least not lately. Lately, i've been almost complusively calling people whenever i have a free moment and making dinner plans and going out plans and feeling bad about the people i've been neglecting. I think part of is because i have nothing worthwhile to do with my alone time right now and part of it is that i'm afraid if i don't keep seeing people, i'll wake up one morning and not have friends. I also don't think of myself as someone who needs to have a guy all the time; i feel in myself some contempt for girls who do. But at the same time, I've spent very little time completely single and unattached. Since i got to college, i don't think i've gone more than a few months without some guy in my life in some capacity, maybe not as official boyfriend but as something. I'm not sure i like what that history says about me.

I guess this was brought on because yesterday i helped aron move and then we made dinner together. This friday is both of our birthdays so we're going out to dinner and then hanging out at a bar with all our friends. At least all my friends, i don't know who he invited. Those kind of things feel so serious to me even though they're not and we're not. It at least feels like we're heading in that direction, and i don't know if i like that direction. And if i do like that direction, what kind of disloyal slut does that make me? Besides the fact that my feelings are still pretty complicated, i don't like who i am in relationships. Ok that's not true entirely. I didn't like who i was in my relationship with steve; being a girlfriend seemed to make me unreasonably, demanding, irrational, and generally unsatisfied. On one hand, i could never seem to get enough of his time and on the other hand, i resented the loss of independence. Part of that might have been the inmaturity of a first relationship. I liked who i was when i was with stoops but i think a part of that is that we didn't label if for so long so i didn't have an expectations of what we, as a couple "should" do, of how a couple was supposed to act. So i could just be me.

So I'm extremely wary, both because my feelings are so unsettled right now and because when i think about relationships (except stoops), my strongest feeling is one of low-level resentment.

I didn't take nearly enough pictures of Africa. Most of what i did take was just me and stoops hanging out and messing around with the camera, but there are at least a couple good ones in there. I couldn't really take pictures of Africa. I probably could have but i didn't really feel comfortable drawing any more attention to myself.










In order from the top, we have...
Brett in her kitchen with her cute gas stove.

Brett and Stoops at the source of the Nile.

Stoops glaring at his cat.

The picture of me in the window is taken from Stoops' backyard. I'm looking out his bedroom window.

The one of the two of us was taken at the Bahai temple in Kampala which is a beautiful building.

I have a bunch of other pictures of Stoops' site and the classrooms and one picture of a group of teachers, but i want to see if blogger can handle this many photos before i start adding more.

Wicked....

...is so good! I was so impressed. I've been kind of let down by a lot of broadway shows (I'm looking at you Movin' Out) and others have seemed anticlimactic because they're so familiar (Spamalot and Producers), but Wicked was up there was Avenue Q as a totally worth it show. I really liked the music, the set was amazing, and I thought all the preformers were excellent. I liked. =)

I'm also excited about winter league. I got drafted 5th which cracks me up cause that's totally overrated, and I really like playing with most of the guys on my team. I'm just mad that berger got drafted before me. Not because i'm better than him. Just because it was so funny last year when he got so mad. Yeah, on paper our team isn't going to do so well but winter league is all about luck. I'm just worried about how out of shape i am.

Yesterday was almost entirely unproductive. Well, I did meet with my design group to talk about turbines. I'm supposed to research the generator so I started looking on line and there is an amazing number of people out there that build things like wind turbines and alternators for fun, in their garage. I'm so impressed by them. I guess i was social yesterday, that's something. And I had a really nice dinner with steve in the village, which was fun. I'm going to have to take him out for dinner at some point; I feel like i'm pretty far in debt as far as paying for things goes. i never plan to be; it just happens and i guess i'm a mooche.

Oh, I wanted to write about the documentary i saw, the Invisible Children one. It made me feel so cynical. They showed the film that these three college kids had made about the effect of the LRA on northern uganda and it was really sad, but i was familiar with the story so not shocking. But then they had a film on their fundraising drive and about how many books and computers they had sent over there and about how many kids were now in schools. And that's great, i know that's great, but i couldn't help thinking about the storage closet full of computers at stoops' teachers college and the shelves of books and classroom resources that apparently never get used. So while these guys were making a perfectly reasonable pitch- "$3 a week can make such a difference..."- it made me uncomfortable to think that people were giving this money and patting themselves on the back for it when who knows for real whether any of that equipment is getting any use at all. I wish i wasn't so cynical.

I am entirely too stupid to blog. I can't figure out how the hell to delete the dumb comments without hiding all of them. I turned the moderate button back on so now comments won't show up right away but i'll filter them. At least I think that's how it works. For an engineer, I suck at this. Mostly because i'm too lazy to spend any time on it. Despite the fact that I'm bored right now.

My schedule still isn't set so i'm not really doing reading or homework for any of my classes. I feel like that's a nice compromise. That way none of them will feel left out. I should do the reading for my global economy class, but i'm not going to buy the book so i'd have to go to uris and i don't have that class til Monday. Instead i'm going to go see Invisible Children, which is about how the LRA terrorizes (terrorized?) northern Uganda, go to track practice, and watch Batman Begins (you hear that, stoops? and maybe, just maybe, i'll see the other ones that don't suck too)

I've been cooking a ton cause i have the time. Yesterday I made this really good mushroom dish and a pecan pie and over the weekend I made the coconut/almond bar things and i think tonight or tommorrow i'll make coconut macaroons. I have a lot of coconut still left over, despite my attempt at coconut-curry this evening. Also, its really hard to stove-roast a pepper without tongs because you're not supposed to break the pepper's skin but you're supposed to constantly rotate it over a fire (or gas burner). So you end up trying to hold a pepper with two spoons which totally doesn't work or really lightly with two forks which is also way too hard. I gave up on that one. This suite needs a broiler pan.

Tomorrow I get to see Wicked! I'm so excited. I've put my name in for the lottery at least 3 times and never gotten anywhere. It should be great. I know the story cause i read the book and because me and leroa listened to the sound track together and she narrated it for me. Which was entertaining enough in its own right.

adjusting

I just spent an hour in a class called Pirates, Merchants, and Slaves. The economics of piracy in the 17th and 18th century. Ha! Yeah, my schedule is not very set right now. I'm signed up for 6 classes and i have 12 on my list of possibilities but right now I'm thinking Pirates, French, Global Economy or Social Entrepeneurship (depending on what i get into), Fluids, and Senior Design. All of those should be just fine except for fluids which will suck, but all of the mech E electives suck and I like the guy who's teaching that one.

I'm actually pretty happy with my senior design project. The night I got back elizabeth knocked on my door and said "wanna ditch all our friends and be in a group that's working on putting a wind turbine on the roof of Mudd?" I said yes for a couple reasons. First of all, while I love my engineering friends, the group had no idea what kind of project we wanted to do and everyone had totally different interests. The chance of getting a project that made 6 of us happy was very small. And if elizabeth ditched me, it would be me and 4 guys. So I decided I'd be happier with her and a wind turbine.

This weekend was pretty solid actually. I made a good attempt to see everyone all in a weekend, and I think I did a pretty good job of catching up between the fajitas Friday, the brunch and sugar cookies saturday (seperate events with seperate groups), and the football game sunday. And it kept me busy which is always good. Yesterday was pretty awesome actually. I spent the morning doing laundry, looking for jobs, and generally being productive and then did a pool workout. Pool workouts always make my body feel so good and then i spent the rest of the afternoon baking stuff for the football watching party that i was going to. I love baking when i have plenty of time, but i'm pissed about the patriots. Fuckers.

I've got more serious stuff on my mind too but blogs should be used judiciously.

back in the US(S)A

It's nice to be back in the land of reliable electricity and running water (that you can drink!). I got in last night so i'm definetely still adjusting, but its good to be home. So many mzungus around though. =)

I'm not sure how much i want to write about my trip. It was a lot of fun, totally worth it, and i'm really glad i went. But trips like that are so hard to describe or explain, and i'm starting to think that i've been too quick to talk about everything. Maybe i'll try later.

For now, i'm going to go grocery shopping and then start my usual round of class shopping. I'm sure its fine that i missed the first two days of classes, but now i have to make up for lost time and figure out what the hell i'm doing with my schedule. French, senior design, entrepenourship, and religion and human rights today. We'll see what sticks.

obsessed

I can't think of anything besides my trip for more than about five minutes at a time. I was in Pittsberg for four days and last night was new years and i've seen tons of people and had a lovely week. But the only thing I've been able to focus on is packing and thinking about all the different scenerios that could play out. I'm pretty sure its not healthy. People keep asking me if I'm excited, but I don't think that that is what this feeling is. It's a combination of anxiety, nerosis, single mindedness, and blind panic. It's living in the future, even if that future is only a few days ahead. It's not a pleasant feeling exactly but its strong.

I've packed my bag almost entirely just to make sure it all fits. It does with plenty of room to spare but its far too heavy for my taste. Which means I can lift it with no problem at all and I could carry it all day. Most of the weight comes from presents so I won't have to worry about that for long after i get there. I should weigh it.

A couple days ago I had a total panic attack, convinced that everything was going to be aweful and that I'd either die on the way over or spend the whole time deathly ill. Funny how I never worry about the plane crashing on the way home, just the way over. Also funny and a little bit sad that I spend 90% of my time anticipating disaster and only 10% thinking about how much fun it will be. When I know that once I get there I'll probably have 90% fun and 10% disaster.

....ok nicki try to think about something else....

Happy new years! I ended up being in MA last night which was nice cause i got to see karen and sarah. Though hanging out with my cousins would have been fine too. I like them. The little ones were out in force with 11 of them under the age of 7. We kept them busy though and managed to not injure any of them perminantly. Which doesn't sound impressive but red rover is a violent game. One poor little one got completely clotheslined and went flying backwards but he bounced right back up. Which is good because his mother was laughing too hard to be helpful. =)

The basketball game was pretty lame this year. My dad and his brothers are getting old and injured and my brothers are both injured and lots of the cousins had their own kids to watch. We still had enough for a full court game but not many subs and it was pretty poor quality. Me and Eric were teaching people to throw a flick so maybe we'll be able to start an ultimate game at some point. If we teach them when they're young, they'll be ready for the ashcroft wildwood team in no time.

There that was five whole minutes of non-uganda thought. Now to go figure out what kind of food i'm going to bring on the plane.