perception v reality i.e. naval gazing

I don't think of myself as a social person who needs to be around people all the time. I think of myself as an introvert who needs time by myself and independence to read and run and chill. But yesterday it occurred to me that that is not how i've been living my life, at least not lately. Lately, i've been almost complusively calling people whenever i have a free moment and making dinner plans and going out plans and feeling bad about the people i've been neglecting. I think part of is because i have nothing worthwhile to do with my alone time right now and part of it is that i'm afraid if i don't keep seeing people, i'll wake up one morning and not have friends. I also don't think of myself as someone who needs to have a guy all the time; i feel in myself some contempt for girls who do. But at the same time, I've spent very little time completely single and unattached. Since i got to college, i don't think i've gone more than a few months without some guy in my life in some capacity, maybe not as official boyfriend but as something. I'm not sure i like what that history says about me.

I guess this was brought on because yesterday i helped aron move and then we made dinner together. This friday is both of our birthdays so we're going out to dinner and then hanging out at a bar with all our friends. At least all my friends, i don't know who he invited. Those kind of things feel so serious to me even though they're not and we're not. It at least feels like we're heading in that direction, and i don't know if i like that direction. And if i do like that direction, what kind of disloyal slut does that make me? Besides the fact that my feelings are still pretty complicated, i don't like who i am in relationships. Ok that's not true entirely. I didn't like who i was in my relationship with steve; being a girlfriend seemed to make me unreasonably, demanding, irrational, and generally unsatisfied. On one hand, i could never seem to get enough of his time and on the other hand, i resented the loss of independence. Part of that might have been the inmaturity of a first relationship. I liked who i was when i was with stoops but i think a part of that is that we didn't label if for so long so i didn't have an expectations of what we, as a couple "should" do, of how a couple was supposed to act. So i could just be me.

So I'm extremely wary, both because my feelings are so unsettled right now and because when i think about relationships (except stoops), my strongest feeling is one of low-level resentment.