I really should be writing my section of the design report. Especially after i gave my team such a hard time about not handing their parts to me yet. But I'm still feeling a little fuzzy from last night. That was more out than I'd been for a while and I've gotten out of the habit. Unused, i guess. I enjoyed though. Arena football was a lot of fun thought honestly i was more interested in the cheerleaders than the game. Not because I was ogling-most of them were pretty normal looking. But I was really curious about what makes you decide to be a cheerleader at a some crappy arena football game? The most I could conclude was that if someone paid me to play ultimate on a regular basis, I'd do it in a minute even if it involved skimpy flame costumes, so maybe they like dancing the same way. The game itself was fast moving but i wasn't so impressed by the players.

After that I went to steve's b day which was a lot more fun than i was expecting. Some of his friends were really outgoing and we got into a case-like discussion on how manysingle girls there were in new york on any given night looking to get laid. I was entertained. I screwed up when i handed steve my credit card and let him order two shots of tequila cause he was closer to the bar. He ordered Patron, that fucker. It was pretty delicious but so expensive. I can't really get mad though cause he's treated me to dinner so many times and it usually involves us spliting a bottle of wine and i don't think i've ever returned the favor.

The bar gabi's party was at was really nice, big and open with a pool table and places to sit and bar tenders that led the bar in a drunken rendition of happy birthday. I drank much more than i planned. I'm not sure how i agreed to take three shots and then i left my credit card there when i left to help take gabi home. Luckily goose was there to close my tab. I'm not sure what the damage was from all those shots. Oh well. It was fun.

Today's the big soccer game. Aron's ridiculously excited. He keeps talking strategy with me and i can't complain because before sections i was obsessing about rutgers ("and then amanda throws it to vanessa and then the tall one runs deep and that's a ho stack.......").

I'm glad I'm not going to be here next year. I've wavered on that statement in the past couple months, but going into all the meetings tonight, I'm glad I'm not going to be here for the fall out. The problem is that I can see people's points despite their behavior. I can see the changes that are coming and I don't see how everyone is going to be happy no matter what happens tonight. All I can do is try to guide the team to a reasonable solution. That sounds arrogant but at this point, i think my main role is to try to make sure that all options are outlined clearly and the team can make an informed decision not just on captains but on all the baggage that goes along with it. I am 100% sure that i will offend people tonight no matter how nice i am, because i'm going to ask the hard questions and if people can't answer them that's their problem. And I can do this because it doesn't matter if people hate me. I can only do what i can and say what i think needs to be said, and i'm glad i won't be here next year.

Our wind turbine almost works. It's so exciting. We have it all assembled and we put in front of the wind tunnel. First we got it to turn just on its own, then we attached one chain sprocket system and had to deal with the friction of that. Then we attached it to the generator and had to make a bunch of adjustments before we got that working. When I left, it was still able to turn with some resistance on the motor but not enough to power anything. Either way, I think we'll be able to fix all the problems before tuesday when its due, and the whole thing looks so pretty. We also seem to be way ahead of most groups which is reassuring in kind of a mean way. even if we do get it working, it will still only be under really artificial conditions.

I'm all the way done with one class. Turning in the wind turbine will mark the end of another class. Then I've just got two more to knock out, fluids and econ. Neither should give me much trouble, though the trip to Virginia Beach over the weekend might cut into my studying time.

I really don't want to go to the scrimmage tonight because my sholder hurts from climbing yesterday. I'm glad i went cause it gave ben and i a chance to argue a bunch of things through, but i was reaching for one hold over an overhang and i think i strained something a little bit. I'm also starting to worry more about the meetings friday. honestly i have no idea how its going to turn out or what's going to go down and i don't like that feeling. I have a sense that everything will resolve itself tomorrow and i'll feel better once its resolved. Still, i'd like to have a hint of what the outcome will be.

Some times I totally suck at life. It's so depressing when I'm moody and bitchy and irritable and I can't handle the simplest situation. I have to keep telling myself, I have one week left in classes and two weeks and 2 days til i'm done with school. But it's not really school that's stressing me out. It's everything else. I mean school I have two problem sets due today, one probably due next monday, one take home final, one regular final and a wind turbine. Actually the wind turbine is pretty huge especially since it comes with a 75 page paper attached. My point is, it's all going to get done and i'm not worried about it. It's no excuse for how mentally unstable i've been lately.

i have to stop breaking my own rule. the one about not saying anything to/about yourself that you wouldn't say to your best friend (if you expected to stay friends).

It's beautiful out! I got to wear a skirt and get my feet dirty. Really all I can ask for in a day. I didn't get a chance to go for a run, but I'll go tommorrow. I've been slacking for the last week, giving my body a chance to recharge so an extra day won't hurt. I'm so excited for summer in the city. I love new york when it's warm.

I don't know why i'm so tired and headachy today. I thought it was the ridiculously strong epoxy fumes this morning but I was like that before I started gluing air foils. The epoxy was kind of cool though. You mix these two componants and then you have almost exactly and hour to use it before it hardens in to a red useless ball. Which we thought was funny when we read it on the directions, but it literally heats up and then solidifies within 30 seconds when you're over the time limit.

Anyway, that's not really important. I think i'm just coming off an emotional let down. There's been so much drama this week both on a personal level between the team and Henelopen and on a bigger level with VT stuff and the journalism student. I think it just wears me out. Like you get a rush of adreneline from dealing with "emergency" meetings but then when that dies down, you're just tired and worn down.

Sectionals was the same way. I got so hyped up for it, rutgers in particular and then it all just fizzled. Actually I don't feel so bad about that because I feel like I played my best and it wasn't good enough. That sounds like it should make me feel horrible, but i think it's worse when you have a tight game where if you had played a little better, it would have made a difference. Nothing I did would have made a difference. I was also really happy that my parents came out to watch and really happy that aron came up and really happy that they all seemed to get along and we had a nice dinner. My dad was having a great time talking strategy and zone. My parents seem so happy these days. aron thought they were putting on a show cause he was there, but really i think they just really like their life. They go to concerts, they travel, they putter around the house and work 4 days a week. My mom rows crew, my dad plays basketball, they're going to England soon, they have a better social life than i do. It's cool.

Sunday was fun in an entirely different way. It was pouring rain and I was a lazy bum. Except for going to DBQ. I'm starting to get into true senior mode though not too bad. I haven't really worked hard for a while so I'm not tired of it. I just have to get though another 2.5 weeks and I'm fine.

Oh more drama, me and leora had our big housing meeting and we made some key decisions and put together a time frame for making the rest of the desicions which is all I wanted. Mostly we decided that we'd hold off on any major choices until she finished interviewing for the other job she wants, and that we would look for a place that starts in september. Which means I have to take care of the summer, but i'm not that worried about it. I know i can find some place. I felt a lot better after we talked things through, even though a lot of variables are still on the table. I know we'll figure it out soon.

Not to obsess, but the thing with the journalism student just scares the shit out of me. Both the sadisticness of it and the randomness. It makes me never want to live alone and never trust anyone again. The VT thing scares me too, but honestly i have less of an innate horror about being shot then i do about what happened to her.

It's kind of nice that the parts can't get welded today and we don't have a level. It means I have no reason not to sit in my room with a cup of hot chocolate and read the omnivore's dilemna. Don't read that book unless you want to feel bad about eating for quite some time. I've been thinking a lot about my eating habits lately. I've been going more and more vegetarian lately but I guess i haven't been doing it right cause i've been hungry a lot and i've been a lot more tired after practices and workouts. I tried to add more protein to my diet but i've read so many different numbers for how much protein you should get, every where from 60g to 180g and about what sources are good for that. Anyway i just want to make sure i have enough energy in me the week before sectionals to be able to play my best.

This semester is just gliding by. I do a little work, I saw some boards, cut some airfoils, solve some fluids problems and then go home and chill. It's pretty nice. I don't have any papers to write. I'm going to have one take home and one regular finals. I think i've got another 4 problem sets coming to me and of course my huge senior design project will take more of my time as we get closer to the design expo. It's hard to beleive i'm almost done.

I'm nervous about sectionals but i'm trying to focus on only good things.

Fucking Harvard. Fucking Yale. We played four games up at yale yesterday, and surprisingly enough I enjoyed most of them. I mean, I usually enjoy playing but we lost every game and I don't enjoy losing. But every point was hard fought and seemed like it could go either way; it just usually went to the other team. I don't know what it will take to get this team to the next level, where you go from saying "oh we played so well. I wonder why we didn't win." to actually winning. I feel like we've been on the brink of that for a long time but i don't think i'll be around to see the tipping point. More experienced and more intense people, i guess. An attitude that's a little less forgiving of missed practices and consistant mistakes. A team that expects itself to win.

Anyway all that is not why harvard sucks. Harvard sucks because after we had read the bracket ("columbia plays at 1 30") and called the yale captain ("yes you guys play at 1 30"), harvard dropped out of the tournament and yale had to reschedule everything so we were supposed to play at 9 30. Yale sent us an e mail last night but we didn't check that e mail address last night. So we had no idea until they called gabi this morning asking where we were and whether we could get from new york to new havan in a half hour. No, no we can't. And if you're only guarenteeing us one game if we do ask our coach to get on the subway for an hour, gather all our girls and get to yale in three hours, we're really not going to make the effort. Which sucks cause we paid 275 for the tournament.

On the other hand, I do have a lot of work I should get done today and last night I got distracted and watched the painted veil instead. That's a really good movie. I totally recommend it.

Oh and I lost my room key somewhere in new haven. I don't have a good chance of finding it so I guess columbia's getting another 50 from me. booo.

On an unrelated note, I've decided my tolerance for drunk people has gone way down. Friday I was at a party with aron and one of his friends had brought a girl. The two of them were out together for the first time and the girl got so drunk that she puked in a gutter. Disgusting. Yes there was good liquor at the party, yes, she was asian, and yes, guys were encouraging her to drink. But honestly, you have to know your limits and you have to tell people to fuck off if they try to push you. Which is hypocritical of me because I've definetely bought people drinks that they probably shouldn't have had (this week even). But I'm beginning to wonder whether I should be worried about my friends. Drinking and puking and passing out and doing things you later have to apologize for (I've had apologies from two friends this week alone for drunk behavior)....at what point does it become a problem that should be dealt with and not a source of entertainment at parties?

I'm not sure how I got to be so popular. Wedding sunday, sedar last night, party thursday, party friday, tournament this weekend. Tonight and tommorrow I need to get a lot of sleep. It's all fun though. The wedding was great, well, freaky that mike lui is married but a lot of fun in terms of dancing and drinking a ridiculous number of French martinis. I saw the pictures though and man, i think i had one big meal too many. Which makes sense considering what i've been up to lately. Which is eating. a lot.

Last night was sedar in Forest Hills which is always cool. Leora's family is hysterical. Her immediate family is awesome but her extended family is awkward in a really funny kind of way. Some how I got in a discussion with her aunt and cousins about where me and leora should live next year and they all had ridiculously specific suggestions ("so this building has roof access but no pool....") and her aunt wanted to know how much I was going to make next year. ("umm....its respectable"). Sedars also last approximately forever. I can't beleive the rest of them do it two nights in a row. I didn't role into bed until 2:30 AM. At least I managed to go easy on the wine this year. My stumach wouldn't have been able to handle much after the vodka bar sunday night.

Anyway i should stop napping and work on getting through my to do list (request van, write stoops, study french, post wedding pictures....) Maybe a cup of tea will wake me up.