graduation makes me angry

To be more exact, grades make me angry. I'm used to being a top student and it was depressing not to be phi beta kappa or whatever the hell the honor society is just because I took the engineering courses. It didn't help that today I looked at my grades before I went to commencement and I have by far the lowest GPA I've ever gotten. All the smart SEAS kids had these weird cape things and I know I'd never get a cape thing. And yeah I can blame the fact that I took 6 classes and I picked the one I have a 96 in to P/F (that was one of the dumbest moves of my college career), but its still depressing to know that I'm not as smart as most of my friends (at engineering). But also today, I got my Barnard diploma and it says magna cum laude at the bottom which I have to look up cause I'm not sure what it means. So its totally giving me mixed messages.

Graduation also makes me angry because my family was so unhappy. I only saw them for like two hours, probably less, and they spent the whole time either arguing about logisitics which I guess are pretty complicated or bickering. Which I guess I contributed to somewhat. But all I wanted them to do was chill, eat lunch with my friends, leave when they wanted to leave, and all they did do was look like they very much wanted to be somewhere else the whole time. I love my family but when I walk into the lounge and all four of them are sitting there silently looking unhappy its like, what the hell? I just graduated. Even if I have another year, I still just graduated. I love that they came for the ceremony and I know I haven't been easy to be around lately but why did they all have to be so, I don't even know. Eric was being demanding and insensative, Mikey was silent and grumpy, my mom was being passive aggressive and irritable, and my dad was just making things complicated. And of course I was being a bitch. Ahh!

Even if I do come back for another year, I don't think I'm doing the ceremony again. And I certainly don't expect them to come again. It obviously wasn't worth their trouble. God I am a bitch. I can't even help it. I'd apologize to them if it wasn't them that I was mad at. Leaving NY tommorrow morning and I have so much stuff to do tonight. Sent Eric home so I had a chance at finishing it (which is part of the reason why logistics were complicated). I should probably start going through my to do list.

At least its a beautiful day out.