failure

I'm grappling with the possibility of failure, mostly in my job search but also kind of in life. So far, I don't think I've ever failed at anything important to me. Like when I decided I wanted something I generally have gotten it. I mean I've had setbacks and rejections of course. But in a broader sense, I've always ended up about where I wanted to be.

So going into the job search, I have this innate belief that if I just want a job enough, I'll get it. But on a more rational level, I know that that's just not true. There are a million people who want things very much who don't get them. I've just been really lucky so far. And I define my goals broadly enough that I can usually hit them (i.e. get a job that I'll be excited about) rather than specifics ("get a job with this particular company").

But there is a real possibility that I will not get a job I'm excited about, no matter how hard I try. Does that mean the last five years of college and twelve years before that in school were a waste? I mean that's practically an american guarentee- work hard enough and you'll get what you want. But its not always true. it's just not, not for everyone.

Things will probably work out. They usually do. I will consider myself a success if

a) I find a job that I want to tell everyone I know about cause it gets me psyched
b) I continue/ begin to be the kind of person I would want to talk to at a cocktail party. That's mostly how I judge myself: in a crowded room, would I want to talk to me? Am I interesting?
c) I do NOT get competative with the people around me. Especially elizabeth. no counting interviews or comparing offers. Only support.