This whole looking for jobs, planning for the rest of my life thing is really stressing me out. Not because its a lot of work and I'm going to get rejected a lot, though that's true. More because I don't know what I want. I almost always know what I want and then its just a matter of getting my shit together and getting it. But I don't.
Three weeks ago, before I moved back to the city, I would have said I wanted to get a real job, with a real income, and start settling down. Because the people I was hanging out with in Seattle had that, and I wanted it. Thinking about travelling made me a little tired, and I started fantasizing about 9-5s and stable boyfriends. I mean it makes sense. I was happy there, so I wanted to keep the elements of the summer that made me happy.
Now I'm back in New York, and I don't want to be here. And I'm not happy with my classes or my schedule or my lack of energy or my social life. So I'm restless. I want to move away. I want to travel. Peace Corps is starting to look appealing where less than a month ago, it looked exhausting. I want to change everything in my life so I'm not sucked into the boring funk that is Columbia. Now logically, you'd think I'd just want to go back to Seattle or somewhere and settle down if that's what was making me happy before. But some how I don't work like that. Mostly because I can't quite picture it, so I'm picturing settling down in New York and New York has bad associations for me right now.
But the problem is, how do I conduct a job search when I don't even know what end of the spectrum I want to be on? I'll apply for consulting jobs but with my GPA and lack of relevent experience, I don't have a great shot. And most of them are in New York. I'll apply for Peace Corps, but I don't know if that's what I really want. It's so confusing to feel such a huge change within myself in such a short time. I really can't handle it; I don't know how to figure it out; I don't even want to think about it, because it brings up such confusing gut reactions.
And it doesn't help that I have to keep squashing down the mental calculations, telling myself that it doesn't matter where I am in May 2008 cause its not going to happen.
Three weeks ago, before I moved back to the city, I would have said I wanted to get a real job, with a real income, and start settling down. Because the people I was hanging out with in Seattle had that, and I wanted it. Thinking about travelling made me a little tired, and I started fantasizing about 9-5s and stable boyfriends. I mean it makes sense. I was happy there, so I wanted to keep the elements of the summer that made me happy.
Now I'm back in New York, and I don't want to be here. And I'm not happy with my classes or my schedule or my lack of energy or my social life. So I'm restless. I want to move away. I want to travel. Peace Corps is starting to look appealing where less than a month ago, it looked exhausting. I want to change everything in my life so I'm not sucked into the boring funk that is Columbia. Now logically, you'd think I'd just want to go back to Seattle or somewhere and settle down if that's what was making me happy before. But some how I don't work like that. Mostly because I can't quite picture it, so I'm picturing settling down in New York and New York has bad associations for me right now.
But the problem is, how do I conduct a job search when I don't even know what end of the spectrum I want to be on? I'll apply for consulting jobs but with my GPA and lack of relevent experience, I don't have a great shot. And most of them are in New York. I'll apply for Peace Corps, but I don't know if that's what I really want. It's so confusing to feel such a huge change within myself in such a short time. I really can't handle it; I don't know how to figure it out; I don't even want to think about it, because it brings up such confusing gut reactions.
And it doesn't help that I have to keep squashing down the mental calculations, telling myself that it doesn't matter where I am in May 2008 cause its not going to happen.
posted by influx @ 4:25 PM
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